Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Vampires do not drive Volvos

So it was during my visit to the movie theater last Friday night that I experienced what may possibly be the most god awful, over-rated, cheesiest movie production ever filmed (in my humble opinion). The name of said vomit inducing, comatose making production? Twilight. This movie is offensive to me in so many levels, not only does it warrant a rant blog, but there's so many insults to hurl I don't know where to begin.

First of all, 4 words. BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!!! I know, I know, the story isn't the same, Twilight is made for today's young teens, etc, etc. Whatever! It's a story about a vampire, and a human, and their forbidden love. Don't have to be a rocket scientist to see the rip-off. Been there done that. BTVS, Underworld, Queen of the Damned...c'mon, be a little original.

But copying the main theme of other vampire movies like BTVS is where the similarities end. The entire script for this movie is horrible, it's like it was written by 5 year olds on a weekend sugar bender at Chuck E Cheese. Vampire lore has been around for some time, but the liberties taken in this movie with vampires would make Bela Lugosi roll in his grave. I mean, vampires that have skin that sparkles in the sunlight??? Um, hello?!?! Sunlight is supposed to KILL OR BURN vampires, not make them shimmer like Mariah Carey at the Hard Rock. Also, vampires do not play baseball last time I checked my legends and myths dictionary (unless the vampire is a baseball bat...get it?). And last but not least, Vampires do not drive Volvos! Where's the beat up old school 64 Dodge van with the coffin in the back?

Don't even get me started about the actors and their so called acting. The main guy who plays Edward looks like he's going to regurgitate his femur when he first sees the Bella chick. That's his way of trying to hide how much he's attracted to her? Give me a break. Vampires are supposed to be mysterious, that's a given, but this guy acts date rapist creepy one minute, and higher than Jay and Silent Bob the next. Also, what I don't get is that this character is supposed to be so beautiful to look at, but I honestly think his face looks like Edward Scissorhands on crack.

I could spend days going off on the part where the rogue vampire chases down Bella from Washington to Arizona in the span of a day by running like the Speedy Gonzalez. I mean, if they are going let the Vampires drive Volvos in the movie, you might as well let them fly coach!

Now I don't consider myself an actual movie critic...well...because for one I'm not that much of an asshole, and two because my tastes in movies is questionable to others at best. My DVD collection has easily offended the Academy time and time again, and Blockbuster has denied my requests for certain video rentals. But I do consider myself a sort of movie connoisseur. I like the good stuff like To Kill a Mockingbird and Shawshank Redemption, but I have no shame in watching Earth Girls are Easy or ConAir. But I have to say without a doubt that this movie is quite possibly the worst movie ever made, replacing Weekend at Bernies 1 and 2. I never found myself cursing the stars so much to get back my 2.5 hours back from AMC that they stole from me forever. If the book is sooooo good as Oprah and everyone says it is, then by golly someone better hunt down and shoot the script writer and director, and the studio better ask for their money back!

Oh, and for the record, Krush Grove is gonna be the bigger movie than ET. Time's gonna tell on that one.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

gotta run before you can walk...

K, so the voting pretty much seems a done deal and it's gonna be Obama over the ice queen. I say the ice queen because I pretty much don't consider McCain the actual presidential nominee for the Republican Party. It's pretty obvious they were relying on the strength of Fey, oops I mean Palin, to win the white house once more for the Republican horde. Boy was that a bad hand to play, can you say "all reds?"

Say what you want about the presidential race and all, everyone's got their spin/perspective on it. Black, white, female, gay, etc.. But what I always think about is... there's got to be an easier way to do this voting stuff (well, there's got to be an easier way to do everything. Take for example the flying car....) We can pay our bills online, file taxes, but yet we can't seem to get a legit way of voting for our next leader of the free world? I can blog with more ease than it took for me to cast my ballot today. I'd love a minority in the white house as much as the next person (unless that person is Nancy Grace) but you give me a Republican that will allow me to vote for them via text like Dancing with the Stars, and that guy (or ice queen) has my vote.

Yes, sometimes I can be just that lazy.

But I did vote for Obama today, much to the chagrin of my other (better) half, and all I could think of when I drove away from the polling stations was "God, I hope I didn't leave any hanging chads, or miscast my vote," and "boy hope I didn't just vote for the anti-christ."

I don't know...somewhere I could have sworn I read it prophesized that the anti-christ would be a charismatic, smiling sonuvagun that would sweep people off their feet into eternal damnation with his sweet talk. This, depending on who you are, this could have been either candidate. Oh well, only time will tell, but the only thing we know for sure now is, Obama will be the anti-christ for most places of the South, and especially on Nancy Grace.